Crazy & Annoying Co-Workers

Let's talk about co-workers.

I work in a rather large department (about 25 people) at the Corporate Office of an Animal Health pharmaceutical company. This department is responsible for taking complaints from the public and DVMs who have used our product and have experienced an "adverse event." Then, there's the department within the department (where I work) which is made up of three people. Initially, I was part of the larger department and took many a call from pissed off & upset people who's dog/cat/horse/cow had gotten ill from our products. A couple years ago I was promoted out of that madness and ended up where I am today.

Every day, for 8 hours a day, I am mostly irritated and partly amused at the antics of the woman who sits next to me. I remember when I was first promoted to the position, the cubicles were such that we could see each other. A quick call to Office Services remedied that situation within a week. I already knew, there was no way in hell I was going to let this woman be all up in my business like that! At first, she tried to offer her suggestions on how I should do MY job (because she had "helped" the prior person in the position), so I quickly adopted this statement that shut her up immediately - "I'll ask Dr. P how he wants to handle it (Dr. P is the Director). As time went on, we became accustomed to one another. There was never any tension, arguing or disagreements between us. We work well together because both of us have totally different responsibilities. She knows certain aspects about my job, as I know certain aspects of hers, but there has never been any need for either one of us to cover for one another - except when either one of us are on vacation and then, there is only so much either one of us can do. Works perfectly for me.

So, you may be asking - where does the "mostly irritated" come in? Well, I'll tell you. She complains about EVERYTHING, is always quick to point out the negative, talks so loud that I think she has a hearing problem, if I don't almost whisper when I'm on the phone on a personal call, when I hang up she'll make some stupid comment like I was talking to her, when people are having a conversation and happen to walk past, she'll comment out the clear blue sky on their conversation, she says "OKIE DOKIE!" at the end of EVERY conversation, if I'm out of the office for a doctor's appointment, she'll tell anyone who calls my extension instead of just saying, "she's out of the office, mayI take a message," anytime she's out of the office (let's say for vacation), she has to tell EVERYBODY that calls, "well, I'm outta here in x days - I'm going on vacation to Hawaii!" (her & henpecked husband have a timeshare and that's the only place they EVER go), or when she comes back from vacation, "I just got back from vacation in Hawaii!" Her son just graduated from MU (he wants to be a meterologist), but you would think he just graduated from Princeton or Harvard because she told EVERYBODY that called, "I'll be out because my son is graduating from MU." Daily, this is my prayer - Lord, Jesus help me!

A "typical" day goes something like this.

In the a.m., she drinks hot tea, so I'm subjected to loud slurping. Then, she has breakfast which is normally cereal and milk, so again more slurping accompanied by crunching and scraping of the bottom of the bowl to get every last morsel. By this time, I've heard OKIE DOKIE at least four times and she might've thrown in a few "you bet your sweet bippie!" for good measure. She may or may not call her mother and those conversations are PRICELESS. First of all, her mother is hard of hearing so she talks even louder. Then, she speaks to her like she's five. I couldn't believe this but I promise you, she had a conversation with her mother about bowel movements. Of course, I have no idea what her mother was saying, but previously she had explained to me that her mother HAS to have a bowel movement every day or she thinks she's sick and will take loads of laxatives (stimulating office conversation for sure). I distinctly remember her saying, "Mother, I've been reading about it and it's normal not to have a bowel movement every day. Yes Mother, everybody has them. It's a natural body function." I almost fell off my chair silently cracking up.

I remember one time, she farted so loud she exclaimed "excuse me!" I was like O.M.G.! I immediately sent an e-mail to my friends and the subject line was, "she just farted!" I'm telling you, I cannot make this stuff up! Then, every now and then she'll let out a belch that would put any beer drinkin' man to shame.

Lunchtime. Lord help me if it's Taco Salad Day (Thursday) at the deli downstairs. Man, she crunches down on them chips! On these days, I have to physically leave my desk because I CANNOT take it.

During the day, she talks to herself. I imagine when she is about to begin or finish a task, she exclaims, "O.K.!" When she's angry about something she'll say, "well piss on me!" or something just as colorful that I can't think of at the moment. She's also prone to bouts of heavy sighing.

The complaints NEVER stop. I remember when the company installed flat-screen monitors to replace the bulletin boards. Her comment, "they could've taken the money it cost to do that and gave me a raise." We have a fitness center and coordinator who sends out tips occasionally about diet & exercise. One e-mail he sent advised people to eat 6 small meals per day. Her comment, "how am I supposed to eat 6 times a day - are you kidding me?!" I'm thinking, thank God you don't eat 6x a day or I would NEVER be at my desk. And oh yeah, how could I ever forget the complaint she brings up on almost a daily basis - the IT Department. They refuse to give her access to certain systems because she is a "security risk." But anytime there is a glich in the system, she'll say, "I know what to do but since THEY won't give me access to the system so I can't fix it because I'm a security risk even though I served in the Air Force for 20 years and had TOP SECURITY CLEARANCE." And the classic. Remember when gas was almost $4 a gallon. Well, she has an hour commute (0ne way) from the job. If I didn't hear this one time, I heard it 1,000 - "the company should let me work from home because I'm spending three times as much on gas now." My thought - didn't nobody tell yo ass to buy a house 50 miles from the job - that was YOUR choice, now suck it up (I know of several people whose commute is 1.5 hours on a good day and 2 hours on a bad one and I'm sure they felt the pinch just as much as she did). But see, the henpecked husband works from home 1x a week and we have 4 in the Dept. that do the same (once or twice a week) but only because of special circumstances so it was just burning her butt that she was not allowed to do the same.

On Wednesdays, we have an Abs Class in the fitness center. This woman has a serious gut. So, she goes to the class, (but doesn't bother to put on "gym clothes,") plops down on the mat and takes her shoes off. The class starts (it's not for the faint hearted). Throughout the whole class, she's saying stuff like, "Oh I can do THAT!" "That's easy!" - at the beginning of the class. Towards the middle, she's just sitting there watching everybody else or doing her own "modification" and by the end, she was toast! Needless to say, she hasn't bothered with the Wed. ab class anymore. I could go on and on but I think I've given you a pretty clear pic of the situation.

At the end of the day, she calls henpecked husband - "Hellllllllo (which actually sounds like "heh woah" like a 2 y.o. who can't pronounce the L sound) are you ready to go home?" "O.K., I'm gonna shut down and I'm on my way." She drops off henpecked husband at work every day and picks him up every evening.

Now that I've laid pretty good foundation of what I go through sitting next to this woman during my workday. Surely you'll hear more in the coming days/months.

Stay tuned for Part II!

HOLLA!